Thursday, November 29, 2012
Dawn Has Finally Broke: Twilight Is Over
Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson can go back to being kids parading as tortured artists; Taylor Lautner can continue to shit his pants that his claim to fame is a set of smoking abs and a starring debut of a film that upwards of no one saw (hopefully he doesn't have a drug habit that outstretches his annual income); Bill Condon can go back to directing great scripts that don't feature dialogue that reads like a mix of bad porno and high school lunchroom conversation; and we can all forget that for a brief moment in history the world was taken by storm by a novel that, as literature, was maybe one or two steps above a room full of monkeys at typewriters, which produced a five film quadrilogy that had, at 10 merciless hours, not a single thing of dramatic note happen. And yes, I do understand the concept of allegory. And no, this ain't it.
Actually, that last part is a lie. Something does happen in this final installment, albeit only to let us know, that nope, actually nothing is going to happen after all. It's a bigger dramatic cock block than the one that stretched over the first three Twilight films between Bella and Edward. At least it ends with a montage that features images from all four of the previous films. That's nice...right?
But, once again, who can you blame? Bad source material will always beget bad finished products. Condon especially raised the aesthetic stakes quite considerably across the span of Breaking Dawn's two parts, if for no better reason than to show how it's possible to make horrible movies look relatively good (or, in this case, better than they deserve). At least you earned your paycheck Bill.
There's a big lesson in film aesthetics and style in here somewhere, but then again, you didn't come this far because you care about any of that anyway, did you?
PS- Was anyone else weirded out by the use of what I can only hope was a computer generated baby in the first half of this film?
Be sure to check out my reviews for two of the previous Twilight films as well: