Weekend Reading

This weekend my life looked kind of like this:

And this:

And this:

So here's the best of what you missed over the weekend:

The Flickering Myth is reporting that Hollywood has finally started to scrape the very bottom of the barrel. My prediction, in their effort to remake a truly great bad movie Disney will only end up making this reboot forgettably bad by attempting to make it good and no one will give a shit... again. If that makes any sense? I hope it will at least still have big ass laser guns.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is looking at adultery with a comparison of Moonstruck and Fatal Attraction.

Alex at Film Forager thinks the RZA's Man With the Iron Fists ain't too bad in spite of itself.

Christ at Movies and Songs 365 recaps what he was up to all last month. Spoiler: he was busy.

Tyler Perry has a new piece of shit in theaters. Vancetastic at The Audient, gives it more thought than it probably deserves (and he doesn't get past the poster).

Vance also, in the same article, raises a point about Tyler Perry putting his name in the title of his films. Remember when Fellini did that and people called him pretentious?

VS.

AND

 

 

AND

Just sayin...

The Atrocious Files: Howard The Duck

The Atrocious Files are a celebration of the some of the best worst movies ever made.

Howard the Duck, for better or worse, is the only movie to ever make me think: Holy fuck, did I just see duck tits?!?!

That moment occurs before the opening title as Howard is being propelled through the walls of his apartment building as he clings to his TV chair, which eventually shoots him up into outer space, before he lands on Earth for no discernible reason that I was able to catch.

Fuck me!

There he spends an hour of an ungodly two hour running time just, ya know, being a duck that talks. Is he a hero? Is he a bad guy? Does he have special powers? Am I supposed to like him, because I don't?

What the hell is this movie supposed to be about?

He meets a girl (Lea Thompson) who takes him to a scientist (Tim Robbins) blah blah blah until the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off starts talking real funny and glowing purple in a cafe before blowing the holy fuck out of the place with crazy video-game fireball thingers he shoots out of his hands.

Look, I couldn't make this shit up even if I wanted to.

Why does any of this happen? Your guess is as good as mine. But that doesn't prevent Howard from saving the day with a big ass laser gun.

Fuck me!

Why did anyone in their right mind put a script about absolutely nothing with a duck for a main character into production with a budget of thirty-five million dollars? In 1986!!!!

Who did executive producer George Lucas and co. really think this was going to appeal to? Although good for longevity, you can't recoup 35 mill off of stoned teenagers alone.

I hope one of Steve Jobs' final phone calls was to George Lucas, thanking him for this train wreck.

Oh, by the way, did I mention this movie has lasers?

 

On the bright side, nine midgets found work because of this movie.

That's worth something, no?