Thursday, July 29, 2010

One Minutes Review: Sorority Row

Sorority Row is a real howler. In the third act, after it is believed that one of their sorority sister's who was killed in the midst of a nasty prank has come back from the dead to pick the remaining girls off one by one, the house's head mistress (Carrie Fischer) shows up unexpectedly with a shotgun to find the house in ruins after it is terrorized by the cloaked murdered. One of the girls accidentally lets it slip that they were responsible for the death of their missing sister. Instead of being baffled, shocked, taken aback, disgusted, anything that a normal person would do when faced with such information, the mistress racks the barrel and declares that whoever he/she/it is, it's about to get two to the face. Then, when but a few survivors remain and the killer's identity is revealed, one of the still living girls bashes the killer over the head with an inanimate object and runs away before checking if they are dead not once, but twice in the span of minutes. Shouldn't every horror movie character know by now that unless you physically see to the death of a demented killer, giving them a good whack or two usually doesn't solve much? It's been quite some time since a film was as heedlessly careless with it's audience's intelligence as Sorority Row is. Not that horror movies have never been dumb or anything, but ever since Hollywood started remaking every Japanese horror movie in sight or got all involved with movies about torture, they've been relatively straightforward, ugly and humourless. How rare it is to see one so lazily phoned in? Finally we get another horror film that no one asked for, that had no chance of being seen by anyone but horror fans and that couldn't care less that it's about as stupid as anything out there. It's nice to see that, in these economic times, Hollywood still has it in itself to throw money away for ol' times sake. That's it. The girls are stupid and not overly attractive. They are also vain, shallow and unlikable. Think of Sex and the City as a slasher movie. And they also go through all the old standbys of running up the stairs when they should be running out the front door. Oh ya and when they go back to the mine shaft that they dumped the murdered girl's body down they find the dude there who was the one who actually killed her because, of course, he's probably been waiting there all year since for the moment when they would return. That makes sense.

6 comments:

  1. I love using "Sex and the City" as a measure to describe something. My better half coined the immortal description of The Expendables as "Sex and the City for those of you with testicles".

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  2. Yes, I can't say I was expecting anything from this and your review just about confirms that. Unfortunately, as you say, the criticisms you level here could be levelled at about 75% of US horror movies from the last 5-10 years.

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  3. I feel I'd be a better person overall if I didn't know hadn't seen this movie.

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  4. Darren- your significant other is a real catch. Hold on to her.

    FI- Horror has always been the old standby, but really things like this should be going straight to video

    Simon- Don't be too hard on yourself, these things sometimes get even the best of us.

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  5. An atrocious movie indeed, I could not even finish it. As you said, the girls aren't even all that attractive, some of the extras in the opening sequence were so much hotter! Obviously, that took away the main reason of watching the movie...

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  6. Castor, I was suprised to find that the ringkeader bitch girl is only 22. She looks at about 28.

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